the servant is the best thing ever.
between the stress my days now are filled with visions of the Sky Knights and books upon books and the sky.
how dearly i want to fly.
i've been punishing my body. for not being what i want it to be. it's stupid, i guess. but i've been doing countless pushups and situps. that's all i can do at the moment, but eventually i want to go to the aquatic center. and run on the treadmill and drink protein shakes [the perks of being a vegetarian] and sobe and swim and eventually be brave enough to close my eyes and lift weights and pretend nobody is looking at me.
because my own personal wants are greater than that strange feeling i have always got when doing something new by myself without other people knowing. ever since i was three years old and learned to read by myself, i would read in secret and pretend i wasn't reading when my mom came in. i feel the need to hide these things. why?
i don't know.
but it's only the second day of exercise and it's already tremendously easier, and soon i will force myself outside into the cold to walk and eventually run when i don't jiggle about everywhere.
i want to go back to being a bindable C-cup, a chest i can hide. i am ashamed of it.
it's days like this that i'm glad for my split personalities. because i can make myself do things the way people who have authority over others can make those others do things. i say no and flinch away, but kris grabs me at the elbows and pushes me against the wall. you HAVE to.
but i don't--
you WILL do this. i refuse to reside in this lump of fat any more.
it's too much work...
you're doing it. i'm making you.
but--
NOW!
i cannot refuse him. his persuasion is of a level i can only wish to have one day. it's not like there's anything he can do
but he rules over me when it comes to physical appearance. he and starlet. starlet's quiet but sneaks his opinion in, and always gets his spoiled little way.
but kristanova accepts no refusal. he has his way whether you like it or not. he will not listen to 'no'.
quite a bully.
but i love him.
Wednesday, December 5, 2007
Sunday, December 2, 2007
my kittens
so to break the ice, let's talk about my cats.
i'm what you'd call a crazy cat person, maybe. i love my kittens. i have three, not counting our older cat mimi, who believes that the kittens came from me, and hates me for their existance. there's caesar, who's a lovely shade of white with a spot of gray like old man hair on his head, with big, sad yellow eyes and a pleading meow. there's milo, who's orange and the runt of the litter where i got him; he has a small deformed spot in his chest, a dent, you might call it. and then there's oliver, who is not my cat as much as my child -- i LOVE this little guy. he's dark marbled gray and black with amber eyes and a plantive mew. i think he's Imperiused me, to be honest. one little mew and i do his bidding.
[hurrr harry potter nerd.]
i'm often found curled up reading a book with oliver on my belly, purring and kneading. he's like part of my body, much like my trombone. silly boy.
they are all about six months old or so, so almost full grown but still in the mindset of being a kitten.
right now i should be:
doing my math homework.
going over my sources for my essay on huck finn.
reading huck finn, which i should have finished by tomorrow, but which i am only a little ways into. whoops
right now i am:
procrastinating.
thinking about a way to lose all this post-marching-seasonweight fat.
listening to Without You from the rent soundtrack. i heard a marching band playing this song at the Carolina Crown Band Beat, when i was with chris. that day was amazing. i have fingernail shaped scars in my knees from my first encounter with a college band. i think i had a religious epiphany that day.
schools i am thinking of applying to:
UNC charlotte
UNC pembroke
western carolina, but solely for the band. can i try out for the band before comitting to a school? i really don't like the mountains.
it's cold. i hate winter. winter comes just in time for marching season to end, which causes me to stay inside and get fat. :/ and we can't afford to go work out anymore inside where it's warm, so really all i can do is sit inside where it's still kinda cold, and do crutches until i pass out [which is a good feeling and i miss being exhausted. is it marching season again yet?]
i'm what you'd call a crazy cat person, maybe. i love my kittens. i have three, not counting our older cat mimi, who believes that the kittens came from me, and hates me for their existance. there's caesar, who's a lovely shade of white with a spot of gray like old man hair on his head, with big, sad yellow eyes and a pleading meow. there's milo, who's orange and the runt of the litter where i got him; he has a small deformed spot in his chest, a dent, you might call it. and then there's oliver, who is not my cat as much as my child -- i LOVE this little guy. he's dark marbled gray and black with amber eyes and a plantive mew. i think he's Imperiused me, to be honest. one little mew and i do his bidding.
[hurrr harry potter nerd.]
i'm often found curled up reading a book with oliver on my belly, purring and kneading. he's like part of my body, much like my trombone. silly boy.
they are all about six months old or so, so almost full grown but still in the mindset of being a kitten.
right now i should be:
doing my math homework.
going over my sources for my essay on huck finn.
reading huck finn, which i should have finished by tomorrow, but which i am only a little ways into. whoops
right now i am:
procrastinating.
thinking about a way to lose all this post-marching-season
listening to Without You from the rent soundtrack. i heard a marching band playing this song at the Carolina Crown Band Beat, when i was with chris. that day was amazing. i have fingernail shaped scars in my knees from my first encounter with a college band. i think i had a religious epiphany that day.
schools i am thinking of applying to:
UNC charlotte
UNC pembroke
western carolina, but solely for the band. can i try out for the band before comitting to a school? i really don't like the mountains.
it's cold. i hate winter. winter comes just in time for marching season to end, which causes me to stay inside and get fat. :/ and we can't afford to go work out anymore inside where it's warm, so really all i can do is sit inside where it's still kinda cold, and do crutches until i pass out [which is a good feeling and i miss being exhausted. is it marching season again yet?]
testonetwoetcetera--
well, here i am.
theycallmekris and life is beautiful, although being sixteen has become the hardest year yet, unbelievable amounts of stress and college looming just an inch too close for "safely in the distance".
but there's no ignoring the beautiful life that shines behind all the stress. i'm an artist, a musician, a proud member of my school's marching band, and most of all, a very confused young person.
most of my posts will probably just be talking about my day, things that are going on, and my art/characters/world. maybe i'll write down my dreams here. i'm also at livejournal, but i think i will use this also.
since i like lists, have a list of animals i would like to own at some point:
a: serval [google them. they are a type of small wildcat]
b: pitbull
c: aracari. [google them also. they are a breed of minature, tame toucan.]
d: crow.
e: fennec fox.
i'd also love to have a dragon. flying has always been a dream of mine. i'm jealous of the snowbirds that fly over the fields this time of year in big swooping formations, like an airborne marching band.
so welcome to my little place in the woods.
theycallmekris and life is beautiful, although being sixteen has become the hardest year yet, unbelievable amounts of stress and college looming just an inch too close for "safely in the distance".
but there's no ignoring the beautiful life that shines behind all the stress. i'm an artist, a musician, a proud member of my school's marching band, and most of all, a very confused young person.
most of my posts will probably just be talking about my day, things that are going on, and my art/characters/world. maybe i'll write down my dreams here. i'm also at livejournal, but i think i will use this also.
since i like lists, have a list of animals i would like to own at some point:
a: serval [google them. they are a type of small wildcat]
b: pitbull
c: aracari. [google them also. they are a breed of minature, tame toucan.]
d: crow.
e: fennec fox.
i'd also love to have a dragon. flying has always been a dream of mine. i'm jealous of the snowbirds that fly over the fields this time of year in big swooping formations, like an airborne marching band.
so welcome to my little place in the woods.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)