milk chocolate pumping thru my heart

the servant is the best thing ever.

between the stress my days now are filled with visions of the Sky Knights and books upon books and the sky.
how dearly i want to fly.
i've been punishing my body. for not being what i want it to be. it's stupid, i guess. but i've been doing countless pushups and situps. that's all i can do at the moment, but eventually i want to go to the aquatic center. and run on the treadmill and drink protein shakes [the perks of being a vegetarian] and sobe and swim and eventually be brave enough to close my eyes and lift weights and pretend nobody is looking at me.
because my own personal wants are greater than that strange feeling i have always got when doing something new by myself without other people knowing. ever since i was three years old and learned to read by myself, i would read in secret and pretend i wasn't reading when my mom came in. i feel the need to hide these things. why?
i don't know.
but it's only the second day of exercise and it's already tremendously easier, and soon i will force myself outside into the cold to walk and eventually run when i don't jiggle about everywhere.
i want to go back to being a bindable C-cup, a chest i can hide. i am ashamed of it.

it's days like this that i'm glad for my split personalities. because i can make myself do things the way people who have authority over others can make those others do things. i say no and flinch away, but kris grabs me at the elbows and pushes me against the wall. you HAVE to.
but i don't--
you WILL do this. i refuse to reside in this lump of fat any more.
it's too much work...
you're doing it. i'm making you.
but--
NOW!

i cannot refuse him. his persuasion is of a level i can only wish to have one day. it's not like there's anything he can do
but he rules over me when it comes to physical appearance. he and starlet. starlet's quiet but sneaks his opinion in, and always gets his spoiled little way.
but kristanova accepts no refusal. he has his way whether you like it or not. he will not listen to 'no'.

quite a bully.
but i love him.